brand new

wow. I've been reading back through the last couple of months of the journal, and it stuns me. so much processing I've been doing-- and so much of it specifically geared toward love, toward wanting to be a whole, sound person on my own (or as close to it as I can manage), but also *partnered*. my wishing, hoping, asking for that has gotten very overt and articulate. and then along comes N. boom boom boom-- girders and foundations and otherworld lives slamming firmly into place. part of me is quite superstitious, amazed and unbelieving-- it is so remarkably dreamlike, I dread the waking. it is the best, most vivid, heart-echoing dream I never want to wake from. tho I know absolutely in this waking life (well, both places) there is no stasis, no foundation or girders-- apart from those we choose to believe are there, to place our faith in and build self and lives around. I know full well that somedays it will doubtless feel entirely un-dreamlike-- there will be confilicts and conundrums, pain and worry and difficulty-- it may even feel insurmountable to one another... I never want to get there. but if we do, I want us to find our way back out of it. I want to be fully absolutely recognizeable, faith-full, worthy of faith with him-- I want the knowing and trusting only to deepen and compound. so, okay, there will doubtless be tests of will, skirmishes, fireworks even-- but, please, my love, remain my love-- I believe with my whole heart that with this, what we have already, we will be able to weather any storm. am I precipitate or naive in such devotion? well, now-- that's an interesting challenge-- how much you trust your heart and how much you attend to the voices around you-- X or Y is not fair or "right"-- fearing friends' judgement, that creeping fear of being a patsy... so ultimately that one is about self-confidence. trusting myself enough to belive in the wisdom of my choices and ongoing intelligence of my perceptions-- like, if I get into murky waters with my love, I have enough confidence in both myself and him to know we are both resourceful and intelligent and that we have the good of what is between us at heart-- that neither of us will get too blinded or cowardly to meet the rough parts with love and compassion. god, I treasure him. he is a treasure of a human being-- multifaceted and dynamic and beautiful and flashing-whirling. his motion frightens me a little bit-- I am the stodgey one... I so want this to be a good thing and never the bad contrast it could turn into. I'm okay with being a lightning rod, a grounding line, an anchor-- as long as I am not too much of a drag. this is the perpetual fear of being depressive. also I am not necessarily particularly constant, as one might expect from this part of the the equation-- I am moody and at times overwrought myself. I can be quite gothically melodramatic. I crave some sort of grounding myself-- can he be my lightning rod as well?